This week is finals week and I just want to kill myself. It’s horrible. Since I’ve decided that I’m going to drop out anyway, it’s been hard for me to even pick up a pen and study. I find myself more drawn to applying for jobs and writing on my blog than reviewing last year’s hypotheticals. Can you blame me? It’s hard to feel motivated to study when you know that whatever grade you get has no bearing on your life anymore.
It’s funny though, to watch everyone flood the professor’s office and try to squeeze whatever knowledge they can out of him. And they all have the full intention of hoarding that knowledge, of course. This time around I don’t think it’s as nerve racking as it was the first semester. It was pretty crazy. I think all the upperclassmen knew which one of us were 1L’s. This year it’s calmer, but you can still sense the urgency. Over the course of the semester I was able to pick out who was at the top of the class and who had fallen short of their scholarship requirements. We all knew that we all couldn’t keep our scholarships but we all hoped and BELIEVED that we wouldn’t be the ones to lose it.
I’ve been studying half assed lately and now I’m sure I’m not going to do well. Not that it even matters because I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to look at my grades. The other day my professor gave us a speech about how starting out as a lawyer can be difficult. No shit. He told us that we should be looking at the big picture and how he climbed up the ranks after law school, after working at a small law firm. I have to admit, for a second I felt moved. For a second I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life by not studying harder. I looked around at my fellow classmates and saw successful future lawyers and a sense of comfort fell upon me.
But then I looked at my professor’s profile online. Top school and law review editor. I’m sure you struggled lots. He’s a great man, to be sure. He cares about the success of his students and I’m being genuine when I say that. But not all of us can succeed to the same extent as others; I’m pretty sure that he knows that too.